By Ardell "Jill" Hansen, Autumn 1994
THE MOUNTAIN - Magnificent raw power. The clouds are drawn over and linger. Wisps of gauze gather into a foggy mist. "I feel transparent and with every breath draw them toward me, a few more deep breaths and I become part of them. I am transported to another world."
THE ASPEN - Whispers to the wind "come and play". The leaves tremble with excitement or laugh during quiet conversation.
THE BIRDS - Soar up and away from the earth strife. They use what they need for food and rest.
THE CATERPILLARS - Thousands of them struggle in their search for a place to attach in order to lay dormant beginning the miraculous process of transformation into a butterfly. Most choose unwisely and die before they reach their goal. Transformation is painful.
Living high in the mountains of Nevada I reflected on nature, misfortune, struggle,
opportunities, and the choices that have led me to my current understanding regarding the concept of "creating my own reality".
Eric Ericson writes that transformation only becomes possible for most of us during a time of crisis. Whether this true is open to question, however, it certainly provides an opportunity (possibly a necessity) to explore other paths that are available.
A few years ago my husband and I decided to leave our jobs, sell our house, get rid of all our "toys and stuff" and get out of the "fast lane". Our children were raised and the "toys" we bought with money earned from jobs that stressed us out were no longer "fun". We were breaking our necks at work and compulsively hurrying to "have fun" every weekend. We were determined to get back to a very basic life - making love and harmony instead of money and heartburn. We began with joy and enthusiasm, however, he became terminally ill before we could accomplish our goal together. This disease caused a deterioration of his mind so devastating that it almost destroyed both of us. As happens to many care givers, I suffered from sleep deprivation, depression, guilt, and other weird feelings and behavior.
It became necessary for me to do some serious problem solving to climb out of the dark pit I found myself trapped in. Simplifying the process, I began with two questions: 1. Die? or 2. Live? Choosing life made another decision necessary, "how do I want to live?." Using this simple procedure, basic questions were answered. Happiness is also a choice and in my determination to choose joy over despair it was necessary to me to constantly replace a negative thought with a more pleasant one.
In an effort to redirect my attention away from personal problems, I renewed my study of New Age subjects (an interest set on a back burner long ago in favor of child rearing and a career). Determined to go out the front door and find things to do and people who shared similar interests, other choices were made. After some volunteer work and a few classes my horizons began to expand. Small successes began to build, enabling a feeling of strength and confidence.
One college class in particular proved to be a very productive choice for me. Not because of the class, but because of a few questions that were asked and the choices they presented. On the first day of the class I arrived early and was walking down a flight of stairs in search of the rest room. An older gentleman was walking toward me from down the hall. He was dressed entirely in black, wearing a crumpled, dusty hat with a feather in the band. His long hair was tied back in a pony tail and he looked somewhat disheveled, but he was in no way threatening as he approached and politely asked (question #1) "Are you lost?" He then pointed the way to the "ladies room". Feeling his eyes on me as I walked down the hall, I had a sneaking suspicion the he was the teacher.
His whole demeanor changed as he entered the classroom and began to speak. His blue eyes sparkled with amused intelligence. In a controlled, dynamic manner he began conducting the class, introducing himself and briefly speaking of his personal and professional background. He then asked everyone to do the same.
Encouraging us to ask him anything we wanted to know about him, he stressed the importance of asking questions. "Isn’t there anything else you would like to ask me?" We all knew he was hinting for someone to ask about his long hair, or why he was dressed all in black, but it seemed impolite to ask about something so personal. However, he persisted and finally a young man asked (question #2) "So…how did you like the 60’s?". Well….then the professor took hold of his pony tail and informed us that he wasn’t just an "old hippie", his long hair and manner of dress was a spiritual choice. He was a Shaman. Such a simple question lead to such an interesting answer.
What a stroke of luck for me to wander into this class! Not knowing anything about Shamanism, I went to the library to search for information. Unfortunately there was little available on the subject. I decided to ask the professor for suggestions on reading material. It took me a few weeks to find the courage to speak to him outside of class. One day, just before class started, I finally blurted out (question #3) "Where can I find out more about Shamanism?" He wrote down the phone number of one his friends, a Medicine Woman, and said she would be happy to meet with me.
The medicine woman was quite charming with a calm and intelligent manner. The day after I met with her she telephoned and asked (question #4) "Would you like to come and meet some of my friends tonight?". The answer was an immediate yes. Although I had a few qualms about meeting a bunch of strangers in a semi-unsavory part of town, I was determined to meet new friends and discuss this fascinating subject.
The door I knocked on that evening was opened by my professor, what a charming man. We had pleasant conversation as the others arrived and introductions were made. Candles were lit and there were a few card and rune readings. Soft music was playing in the background and someone suggested since it was February it must be time to go camping. (Ah….question #5)….The professor asks "Why don’t you come with us?". Of course I agreed (you may have already guessed that there was an attraction between us). So…there I was, an ordinary, middle aged, middle class woman camping in the wilderness somewhere in the Virgin River Gorge, with
a Shaman, a Medicine Woman, a Druid, and an assortment of other New Age types, having the time of my life and falling in love.
From the first question asked last January, "Are you lost?" to the time of this writing there have been other questions asked by the man I have chosen as my companion. Questions that I asked of myself and questions asked by family and friends. The more questions that were asked, the more choices became necessary. I discovered that the more I stretch, the farther I am able to reach.
My renewed interest in nature, vertical growth, and the desire to expand personal life lessons has made material possessions feel like heavy chains weighing me down. So … the house has a "for sale" sign on the front lawn and my "stuff" is going out the door - enabling me to pursue a nomadic lifestyle.
As I continue my efforts toward personal awareness and growth I know that I will encounter other souls that I can learn from and who can learn from me in return. The journey makes life interesting, not the final destination. What a trip!
Simple questions can lead to the most fascinating answers. A seemingly small choice can have a dramatic effect on your future. The important thing is to CHOOSE AND ACT.
